C-PTSD. The Complex “Soldier’s Syndrome”

Drawn by me in 2016

Complex Post-traumatic stress disorder. This mental illness may remind you of all those post-war soldiers from world war II. Well, now I’m finally able to reveal my deepest daily struggles, the maybe-somewhat-modern type of PTSD.

I hope with this post, some would be able to understand why sometimes I’m a little bit off, or maybe just a simple article for your thirst of gossip or anything alike (I just don’t care). But hopefully, maybe, an inspiration that connects our struggles in life. Something to talk and discuss openly and learn from to know that we’re never really alone.

DISCLAIMER: My writings are brutally honest and rather rude. And this is going to be quite long.

It may be hard to believe for some that someone as cheerful, open-book, extroverted, and loud as me could actually be someone with this kind of illness. It’s even weird that one of the symptoms is actually social phobia. But it does happen, and it really does affect my overall life, to the extent of me once attempting suicide (thank God someone saved me back then).

I’m currently 21-year-old (2020), I’ve been clinically diagnosed with PTSD (C-PTSD or Complex PTSD to be exact) in January 2020, I went to a psychiatrist from my college recommendation to get a more affordable price (I’m a college student, I’m broke. Thank God ITB for understanding this kind of illness is actually real).

Irritatingly, I’ve been missed diagnosed with other illnesses before, even told that I was just completely fine like everything was all in my head (which was utterly bulllshi*). I had been to a psychologist since high school (that damn phase of family, friend, school drama). In total, I went to more than three psychologists and psychiatrists (and all with my own willpower to save myself from this hell).

I’ve tried hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, and medication (I’m currently taking antidepressants and benzodiazepine). I’ve done my own CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), I’ve read books and articles about my illness and what to do about it, I watched youtube, I read journals and books, I go to forums, I ask similarly experienced people, I meditate daily, I write journals since junior high, I write gratitude journals, etc… I did everything I could think of almost every day. But sometimes, everything is just never enough.

Okay, let’s skip the trivia and boring part.

To make it more relevant, let me guide you in how it actually feels and how I think on the worst days. Prepare to feel.

First of all, it’s depressingly exhausting. You wake up at 4 am in the morning feeling terrible because almost EVERY DAY you experience a terrifying heart-pounding nightmare. Sometimes the dreams are so fantastical and complex, sometimes you think it is your real life and you can’t differentiate it. You wake up in shock every three hours or so, your heart is pounding so fast. Where’s your water bottle? You have to drink. Unable to get back to sleep and you feel utterly miserable or just plain terrified, accompanied by horrendous negative thoughts. You want to call somebody for help, but they’re sleeping… Oh you don’t want to bother them. If they’re annoyed all the time, they might leave you. You should be grateful that you can still think of someone in case of help. Or maybe, you just don’t know who to call? You’re alone anyway, nobody understands you. So you do meditation or listen to rain and bird chirping sounds, and finally able to get back to sleep.

You then woke up the afternoon feeling fatigued as hell. Sometimes in a rather good mood (which you’re really fortunate about), sometimes you feel like shi* but you still have to start your day because success doesn’t come when you only lay on your bed each day, right? Right.

In the afternoon you just have to meet people (in my case, that is sort of meeting my potential trigger). You’re just hoping your day will be alright. Then you come inside your class, people are unexpectedly happy to see you! You’re happy, but then you freeze (you’re definitely triggered). Oh damn, you should be excited to see them too, but why are you frozen up? Why is it hard to smile? Why is your heart pounding, chest burning, head feels dizzy, oh damn you’re sweating real bad. Why are you being like that? You can’t control your face, your reaction, your breathing, your everything. You’re not supposed to react that way! Damn shit why is it happening all over again. You’re such a shit! You filthy fuc*ed up shit! You’re terrified, furious, ashamed. You don’t want to talk to anyone, you’re afraid they will know what to feel and you don’t want them to know, because they will leave.

You go to the toilet to calm yourself down every once in a while, sometimes beating yourself up “cut it out. What’s wrong with me? Everything is fine, I’m no longer in the past. I shouldn’t be terrified.” Either you cry literally, or just internally, you force yourself to get back to class. Because yeah, you just have to. Or should you go back home and sleep? Nah, your mom paid your college tuition, don’t be a self-centered-bitc*. You better get back to study in class. Try to smile at your friends, you know, try to talk to them! They love you, right? Eh... You don’t know.

In the evening, you’re finally back in your room. You lay on your bed, exhausted. Oh damn, but you have homework to do. You can hear your roommates walking in front of the door, just simply cooking, your heart started pounding once again. “Please, don’t go into my room, you don’t want to look at my state right now, you’ll leave me. You will be disgusted because of me.” You decided to clean your room, sing (to make your roommates think that you’re okay) or do your hobbies, and distract yourself. Or, you just sleep because you’re exhausted... Lock your door, if your roommate calls just act as if you don’t hear them.

At night is the most terrifying phase, when you feel okay you feel as if you’ve been really fortunate today. Being in a stable mood is such a blessing. Then a trigger came (either externally or from your own damn head), you feel small, fragile, helpless like you will never EVER have a good future, you will NEVER going to be happy in life. Every day of your life, from yesterday, now, tomorrow, you will feel pain in your chest and there’s nothing you can do about it. You feel like choking but you can’t die. There’s no end to your suffering, you just have to stand with it. Suicide is a sin, and you will end up in the deepest hell. But living itself is hell. What are you supposed to do?! You just cry, cry for an hour. You try to call somebody, but they don’t know what to do. You hope they’re not annoyed by you, but you’re so lonely, it hurts. Should I call suicidal prevention…? Eh, Is it really worth it?

You suddenly remembered what happened the whole day. Every thought gets twisted. You were in class, you feel unimportant, yeah they will leave you. They don’t care, they laugh at your suffering and look down on you. They only smile in front of you, but you know, they talk about you behind your back and laugh… Because you’re just weird, you’re an anomaly, you don’t blend in, you don’t fit in. You never will. You have no one. You’re painful and nobody stands you. You're in pain, but you’re alone. Your friends on Instagram looks like they have lots of friends, your high school friends look like they still have each other’s back, they look happy. You’ve been forgotten. You know, you’re alone. You will never be like them. You will never have a group of people who wants you for being you.

You took your medicine, but it doesn’t ease your chest that felt like it’s been stabbed hundred times, you clenched your hands and put it on your chest, it hurts, it really hurts.“It really hurts God, what am I supposed to do? Please tell me what I should do.” You cry, and cry, and cry, you’re lonely and you’re all alone, and nobody understands you. So you cry loudly. Hoping your roommates won’t hear you. But also hoping somebody can help you.

With this, I would like to thank personally to my current family and friends, for patiently listening to my everyday complaints, for being able to withstand my heartbreaking cry of pain and helplessness, for suppressing the anxiety of me being suicidal every now and then not knowing how to help (living with me is constant anxiety lol). For semi-smashing my door when I tried attempting suicide by spraying poison all over my room, for picking me up at 2 AM in the morning when I cried and self-harm, for hugging me, for being there with me when I’m triggered in class, for giving me cooked food because without it I won’t eat lol, for patting my head and telling “everything’s gonna be fine,” for telling me “you’re not alone. you have me,” for telling me it’s okay to go to a psychiatrist. For telling me that I’m not the one at fault. For coming to me even though I’ve avoided you. For helping me love myself and go through all this hell.

You guys aren’t there only when I’m happy. You are there when I was battling with the most depressing moments in my life.

But most importantly, I would like to thank “Mita” for surviving.

I’ve finally understood that I’ve had faults in the past, and lots of people did wrong things to me too and it hurts, so bad. But it’s all in the past. And rather than hoping for some prince charming to help me or some angel to pick me up, I’m hoping that Mita will go on living strong and thriving. She’s the only one who’s been here with me for 21 years of my life, and all I ever do to her was beating and insult her with harsh words. I guess it’s time to pat Mita’s head and tell her “thank you for not leaving me for years, and for trying to survive all these shits. You’re strong, you’re cool, and you’re pretty. I won’t leave you ever again.”

I am proud to say that I’m feeling way better. Even though it’s important to acknowledge that this is a lifelong battle. I will go on and on, will have its ups and downs. You don’t have to be constantly happy to live your life, it just doesn’t work that way. So don’t beat yourself up because of it. Every second of you being able to feel is something worth living. Sometimes, feelings are just meant to pass by you, no need to do anything about it. Just let it be.

Every second of you being able to ‘feel’ is something worth living.

Every part of my life is a struggle to live more at ease, being mentally and physically healthy is everything I could think of. And I want to help people with their daily life struggles too. It’s the main goal every day of my life.

And btw it’s even the topic for my thesis lol.

Endnote

(from the optimist-determined-proud-competitive-bitc*y-ngegas side of Miti): This ain’t over. Let’s see what the future Miti will bring, shall we? Just wait and see. Oh yeah and, everyone has their own struggles, something you have no idea about,

You will never know ‘everything’ about a person.

For more information about the illness:

• https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd (Understanding C-PTSD)
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeQ8bgUAnFg&t=49s (What is C-PTSD?)
• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving — Pete Walker

For more information about my self-help:

• I read. Like, really a lot.
• https://psychcentralforums.com/ (for online support)
• ‘Sanvello’ app meditation + wellness
• ‘Flo’ app for my menstrual cycle (because hormones can really mess with your head)
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7B3n9jobus (What is CBT?)

List of Books I recommend:

• Boundries: When to say Yes, How to say No — Dr.Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend (Note: please don’t take it too literally, adjust to your needs)*
• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving — Pete Walker
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem — Nathaniel Branden
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck — Mark Manson (easy reading)
• 7 Habit of Highly Effective People — Stephen Covey
• Barking Up The Wrong Tree — Eric Barker
• Overcoming Panic: 2nd Edition — Vijaya M. & Derric S.